Many life-changing moments happen during the various conversations in our lives. Over one chat, we can fall in love, get our dream job, grow closer to our loved ones, and more. Unless you have decent conversation skills, those moments might be a little tough for you to navigate.
You can ensure that you are able to handle whatever kind of conversation life throws at you by increasing your emotional intelligence and thus, your conversation skills.
Conversation skills involves
The ability to effectively communicate with others through verbal and nonverbal means, in order to exchange information, express thoughts and feelings, and build relationships.
Effective conversation skills require not only the ability to communicate effectively but also the ability to understand and respond to the needs and perspectives of the other person. Having great conversation skill is essential for conflict management as well!
When you know how to handle a delicate conversation, you are more likely to achieve a favorable outcome for everyone involved. Especially during times of stress or in a very sensitive talk, it’s important to understand all the nuances of the interaction.
Recognize Poor Communication Skills
While we may pick up a few things here and there through our lives, chances are you haven’t had someone sit you down and explain how to be a good communicator. For many people, it’s difficult to be charismatic because of the pressure you can experience in a conversation. It’s normal to be nervous or anxious when speaking to people in a more formal way.
Speaking with friends is usually the easiest time we have communicating because you can act naturally and know you’re in good company. When you increase your communication, conversation, and emotional intelligence skills, you can feel more at ease no matter who you are speaking with.
Begin practicing these skills by noticing when you or others make these common conversational missteps.
Failure to Really Listen
Perhaps the easiest bad habit to slip into, and one that most people unconsciously practice, failing to listen is the number one communication killer.
When you do not really listen to the other person, you’ll find that you are just waiting for them to stop talking so you can say what you want to say. It might not even be in response to what they just said, it’s just something you wanted to say.
The idea clashes with the flow of conversation, leaving the other person feeling ignored and frustrated. They might even believe that you are incompetent because you weren’t absorbing what they said!
Disrupting
Similar to failure to listen, disrupting is a really easy habit to get into but is very hard to break. Usually, the two habits go hand-in-hand.
Disrupting shows the other person that what they are saying isn’t important enough to be heard, or that you think they are so incorrect that you can’t even entertain listening to the rest of their sentence. It leaves the other person hurt and aggravated at being unable to get their idea across.
They may feel shut down by you and be hesitant to talk to you again any time soon, especially not about something important.
It’s important to note that disrupting is different from interrupting, which we will talk about later in the article.
Missing Nonverbal Cues
Nonverbal cues are a really difficult part of human communication. Many people are unable to recognize nonverbal cues for many different reasons, like Autism. Sometimes you may also encounter someone whose cultural body language differs from your own, leading to confusion.
Additionally, when we do pick up on body language, a lot of the time we don’t even realize that we noticed and are responding to it. For example, if one person becomes defensive and crosses their arms, we might instinctively do the same, not realizing why we suddenly became more snippy with our attitude.
While it’s likely that even the best of us will misinterpret or miss a cue altogether, this habit becomes detrimental when you don’t try to notice these cues at all.
Misunderstanding the Other Person
It’s really easy for us to get the idea in our heads that we know exactly what the other person means when they say a certain thing. The reality is that everyone has a different way of speaking, different intonation, perhaps a different cultural background, maybe they are speaking in a non-native language, and other factors to consider that impact the way a person talks.
Often, it’s easy to think negatively when the other person may have meant something neutral or positive. You may feel insulted by an innocent comment, or not realize how dire a situation is because of the way the other person phrased something.
Making assumptions, not asking questions, and failing to gain clarity are the real culprits of this common problem.
Not Communicating Clearly
Oppositely, you may sometimes be the one who is misunderstood. If you do not have a way of communicating information in such a way that the other person can understand, then you may be the one setting the interaction up for failure.
Sometimes people use big words, incorrect words, flowery language, or tangential speech. In some situations this is fine, but sometimes all it does is muddle your message. And the other person may be so engrossed in trying to figure out what you said that they don’t even know what questions to ask to gain clarity.
If they do ask follow-up questions, are the answers easy to understand, or are they even more confusing?
Not Considering the Other Person’s Perspective
Similar to misunderstanding someone, not considering the other perspective(s) can lead to serious miscommunications.
It’s tough, but it’s important to try to balance what the other person knows vs what you know; what the other person believes vs what you believe; the other person’s approach vs your approach, the other person’s life experience vs yours, and so on.
Of course, we are not responsible for the things that make up the other person’s perspective, but in order to understand the impact our words may be having, we need to take those things into consideration.
How to Improve Your Communication Skills
The good news is that with a little practice, you can recognize communication mistakes that you and others make every time you have a conversation. And each time, you can learn!
Remember that others probably don’t have a communication coach either, so they are just as likely to make mistakes. Give grace to others and always approach a situation with the assumption that this person wants the best outcome, too.
Use your growing conversational skills to help both of you have the best interaction possible!
Practice Active Listening
Every single conversation you ever have is a great opportunity to practice active listening.
If you find yourself drifting off mentally, steady your mind and sharpen your focus. Make sure you are actually hearing what the other person says and not only waiting for your turn to speak.
If things are going too quickly, simply ask for a moment to think and digest what you’ve been told. Maybe it helps you to write notes. If that’s the case, make sure the other person knows you are using a method to pay more attention and not ignoring them!
It’s easier to be fully engaged in a conversation if you are facing each other directly. If you are sitting, your bodies are turned toward each other. If you are standing, your toes are pointed toward each other. If you are walking, your strides are synchronized.
Try to have occasional eye contact to remain engaged with the person. However, for some people, too much eye contact is intimidating or distracting. You can also stare at the tip of their nose so that you are still looking at their face without being too intense.
Formulate open-ended questions to encourage discussion. Respond to what the other person says with a “yes, and” attitude to allow the conversation to flow more naturally. Ask the other person what they think about what they just said. Show interest!
Find Ways to Interrupt and Interject Naturally
A difficult communication tool to master is the skillful interruption. Whereas a disruption occurs when you cut someone off from completing their idea, an interruption is meant to clear up confusion.
The best way to approach an interruption is to make a small gesture with a hand or head and excuse the interruption. For example, you might cock your head forward and say “Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt, but what did you mean by that?”
If you are unable to figure out the answer from the context clues and other information in the conversation, ensure you use an elegant interruption to get clarity.
Interjections can also be used to enhance a conversation. A well-timed “aha!” or “I see” helps the other person know that you are listening, and it keeps them from feeling like they are monologuing.
It also helps keep you on your toes so that you can take over when it is your turn to talk. The back-and-forth of helpful interjections in a conversation helps build camaraderie and create a bond during your talk.
Learning Body Language
As mentioned before, it’s important to posture yourself in a way that shows you are engaged in the conversation.
Additionally, it’s important to pay attention to the messages the other person is sending with their movements. Body language is a huge topic, that’s why there is a whole area of study on the subject!
Make sure you know the basics like eye rolling, raised eyebrows, scrunched face, shrugged shoulders, crossed arms, culturally-relevant hand gestures (many of the same hand gestures mean very different things across different cultures!), tipped hips, and tapping toes.
Make sure your gestures are also conveying what you want to tell! If you’re feeling really excited by the conversation, don’t be afraid to smile and keep your arms more open. The other person will feel more welcomed and engaged.
And, you can keep a negative interaction from escalating by toning down any angry body language you might otherwise exhibit unconsciously.
Make Sure You Understand Their Meaning
Just like with active listening, you want to ask them questions to make sure you know their meaning. But, more than that, you are making sure you know a deeper level of meaning, when appropriate.
For more personal conversations, you might want to ask for the reason behind what they said so that you understand how that person thinks, or what their life experience is like.
This is a give-and-take technique that pairs with conveying your message clearly. When you understand where a person gets their thinking from better, you learn how to tell them information in a way they will understand better.
Not only will you be able to understand the meaning of the other person’s message better, but you’ll also be more understanding of them as a person.
Speak Clearly to Convey Your Message
When you give your messages clearly, you also help the other person understand you better. This will improve your relationship and your future conversations since you’ll already have a foundation of understanding.
You want to ensure that the other person does not misconstrue what you are saying. No matter the topic, it’s important that the other person walks away knowing the meaning of what you said.
Allow them the space to interject, interrupt, ask questions, and actively listen. Ask them if they need more clarification.
When you take the time to understand the other person, and they take the time to understand you, the nuances you each have will make sense to each other. Your communication will improve, and you will feel closer. Whether they’re your friend, your spouse, your child, your parent, your boss, or your customer, every conversation can be improved with mutual listening.
Where to Practice Communication Skills
In an organic, natural way, you can practice recognizing your weak points and getting better at conversations when you have an interaction with anyone! Even a short talk in line at the store is an opportunity to become a better conversationalist.
For more formal practice, you have a few options.
Books and Media
There are many different books about how to improve conversation skills. Different aspects of communication, different styles, different situations, and more are all addressed by so many books! Check out advice books for real, actionable techniques. You can also read novels and pay attention to how the author describes the characters’ conversations and body language.
You can also practice observing actors in movies and TV shows. Listen to conversational podcasts to hear a natural flow between people with synergy. Watch YouTube videos with people interacting with each other.
Of course, there will also be many YouTube videos with advice and examples for you to use as practice!
With a Friend
Practicing with a friend might be best if you have a specific conversation in mind that you want to practice for. For example, asking your boss for a raise, going to a job interview, asking your parents for permission for something, or having a big talk with your significant other.
Just like practicing a speech or presentation, you can go through your talking points with someone who can give you pointers on how to better say something, or a gesture to include or avoid.
With a Coach
Believe it or not, you can seek out a communications coach! This is often a very valuable way to pursue stronger communication and listening skills because you’ll have an expert who can give you personalized advice and practice.
Many coaches specialize in a certain type of communication, like business, speeches, teaching, or relationship.
There is never a bad time to strengthen your communication skills. Being a skilled communicator and conversationalist is a craft that will serve you well in every aspect of your life. Increasing your emotional intelligence leads to more meaningful conversations and relationships.
When you know how to avoid the biggest mistakes in communication, you can be sure that your conversations will become much more fruitful!
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